There are Worse Things I Could Do
by jessicaisfabulous
Summary: A story inspired by the song from the movie Grease but not a songfic! , chronicling Abbey's internal struggle, and how it leads her to CJ.


Abbey Barrington was never the kind of girl to give herself away for nothing. And despite what people thought of her, she had grown up a rather well-rounded, responsible girl who didn't participate in parties or sex during high school like her girlfriends did. It wasn't that she was morally opposed to the idea; it was just that she preferred staying home and cuddling up with a good book, or even her school work. Abbey always thought that her future was something that couldn't be put on hold for cheap thrills with boys she wasn't even that interested in- no matter what the rest of her friends thought. She assumed that once she finished college she would go on to a lucrative and successful career as a doctor- she never factored dating or marriage into it. If anything, she thought a man would get in the way of her plans.

She was able to finish out her high school years having stood by every bullet point in her future plans. She was accepted to St. Mary's School, the sister school to Notre Dame, with no questions asked. Everything seemed to be going so well for her, and it seemed she was on the fast track to success. Of course, every train has to stop at some point, and Abbey's hit a grinding halt during her freshman year.

St. Mary's was a school exclusively for girls. Occasionally, a large group of girls in her dorm would go out and party at Notre Dame, but Abbey had the same feelings about it then as she did in high school, and just stayed home. However, during the other girls' outings, Abbey began to notice another girl staying behind. Now, Abbey was no expert, but she didn't think this girl fit the bill of the typical 1960's college student. She wasn't outrageous and filled with hippie ideas, but she didn't have the ignorant repression the other girls had, either. Abbey had grown tired of the two walking stereotypes she had been surrounded by for weeks, and this girl was like a breath of fresh air. Abbey would often catch her in the common room, reading Virginia Woolf or Emily Dickinson, or outside just lying in the cool grass, gazing at the sky. Throughout the few weeks she observed her, Abbey became more and more intrigued, and the more intrigued she became, the more it scared her. She wasn't afraid of befriending the girl, no. She was afraid of new feelings that were bubbling to the surface- feelings she had never felt before and didn't know how to handle. She would catch herself not staring at the book she was reading, but instead staring at the soft brown hair of the other girl, and feeling the slightest urge to touch it. Abbey, being a girl of reason, wrote the feelings off as admiration- the same way she would admire her mother's hair, she told herself.

One day, as she sat on a bench outside the school studying, the girl she had been admiring walked outside into the sunlight and laid down not two yards from Abbey. She bent her head back, exposing a larger portion or her neck, and letting the sunlight kiss her lips and cheeks. When Abbey realized why she was staring and what she was staring at, she took off running, but not before stopping to throw up in the bushes. She didn't know what was going on. Sure, the girl was beautiful, but many at the school were beautiful, and Abbey wasn't thinking about kissing _their _lips or _their _neck. It was just that girl- that beautiful, beautiful girl. The very thought sent Abbey flying to the bathroom to throw up again. She felt sick with herself, physically and emotionally. Her mind began rattling off reasons for her thoughts- brain damage, birth defect, freak occurrence….but none of them seemed to add up. She felt like something _had _to be wrong with her. There was no way in her mind that the feelings she was having for the girl were normal or right.

"Hello?"

A soft voice carried from outside the bathroom stall where Abbey was stationed. She froze. The only girl she had seen on campus that morning…

"Are you okay? I saw you get sick back there…"

Abbey clenched her eyes shut as a few tears leaked out of them. She hastily wiped her eyes and mouth with loose toilet paper and stand up. She smoothed out her skirt and prepared to face her nightmare.

She opened the door slightly, checking to make sure it was the girl, and stepped outside of the stall, shaking.

"I- I'm fine."

The girl gave her a sympathetic look.

"Are you sure? You look pretty shaken. Here…"

She took off her soft, grey sweater and wrapped it around Abbey's shoulders, eliciting an inaudible noise from the other girl.

Abbey managed to collect herself in time to look up at her rescuer.

"Thank you."

She nodded, "You're welcome. I'm Judy, by the way."

"Abbey."

Judy put a soft arm around Abbey's waist and started to guide her out of the restroom.

"Come on, Abbey. Let's get you to your room."

The simple touch sent Abbey's mind spinning, but she managed to hang on to her decorum.

"I'm in 137."

Judy nodded and chuckled.

"I know, I've seen you around. Kind of surprised we haven't run in to each other until today."

When they reached Abbey's room, Judy helped her to the bed. Abbey lied down as Judy pulled the cover's up around her form and sat next to her on the bed.

"Do you need anything?"

Abbey shook her head, "I'm fine, thank you."

"Abbey, do you want me to stay? You look pretty bad, and the rest of the girls took off for the weekend…I don't want you to be on your own."

Abbey considered her answer very carefully. Did she want Judy to stay? More than anything in the entire world. She wanted Judy to curl up beside her and hold her while she slept…she wanted her to plant sweet kisses on her forehead when she woke up, and tell her how much she wanted to kiss her. But she could never let that happen. She could never let herself fall into that depraved lifestyle that she knew nothing about except that it certainly wasn't going to be alright with her parents- or with her priest.

"That's okay- I'm fine." She said perhaps a little too sharply.

Judy nodded, and left without another word.

That was the first time Abbey could recall crying herself to sleep, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

The next morning, Abbey resolved to get whatever strange thoughts were in her head- out. And she would do it anyway she had to. When her friends returned on Sunday night, she asked them to set her up with a guy from Notre Dame- they saw it as Abbey finally breaking out of her shell…Abbey simply saw it as her only means of survival.

The first guy they set her up with was a guy named Dean. He was the typical jock, had gotten to Notre Dame on a sports scholarship and daddy's money. Abbey hated him- but after one date she lost her virginity to him. That was the second time she cried herself to sleep.

She didn't call him, and he didn't call her. They hadn't even bothered exchanging numbers. She knew what he wanted, and he could see what she needed- both, a one night stand with no commitments. Abbey was teased, at first. Her friends, who had previously made fun of her for being so pure, thought it was great that Abbey was finally 'loosening up,' but the innocent taunts they made got to her, and so Abbey forced herself to become what she never wanted to be.

Occasionally she would catch the eye of the girl that started it all, but she would just look away and tell herself that the part of herself that had been brought out by her brief encounters with Judy was gone forever- swallowed in a sea of male affections that Abbey couldn't possibly turn down.

After that first night with Dean, she gave into a few more men over the course of a month, but dated many more than that. She would take out a man, dance with him all night, and not even let him have a kiss goodnight. She felt bad, occasionally. Many of the people she had called her friends had abandoned her, believing she had become some sort of succubus, devouring the entire Notre Dame population with her wily charms before anyone else had a fair chance. Abbey never felt sorry for the girls she was supposedly tricking out of men. In her eyes, which had began to understand the course of events so clearly; it was their fault she was in that position in the first place. Had you asked Abbey, she would have told you that she was forced to take on so many male suitors in order to compensate for something that she would have been socially banished for. Yes, she had finally realized that the feelings she had for Judy, and for other women, were the ones her friends had for men; ones Abbey would never share. Still, she recognized that in order to fulfill even a sliver of her dreams, she would have to give up on love. She had never factored it in as a major part of her life, anyway. Why should it be any different because she was attracted to females?


End file.
